I was sitting at work, building time standards. And I just felt the need to worship. I’m sitting there, cutting and pasting stuff, and I’m listening to P&W and I’m worshipping… just waves of grief and remorse and joy and longing and thankfulness washing over me.
I’m so unworthy. My heart is restless.
“Your grace is enough…. Your grace is enough for me….” If only I could get that to sink into my head.
I’m really just fooling myself thinking I’m okay… I’m not okay… I’m never okay. God is always waiting for me to admit it and come running to His arms. I’m a mess, a complete trainwreck. Who am I kidding? I just hope God will pull me back together before I wreck myself again.
I’m just wrecked, broken, and lonely. But God knows my pain. My flesh is quick to remind me of my numerous shortcomings. My failures, my idiocy, my pride. It’s always before me, the albatross around my neck. My sins haunt me, the ghosts of every stupid and selfish thing I’ve ever done. An invisible army of remorse and shame, intent on trampling me into oblivion.
And yet in my surrender, I can finally taste freedom. God offers so much more than just forgiveness. He offers new life, and He gives life abundantly.
“Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out…” And as I pour forth my bleeding heart, I know how much more Jesus bled. How much more He suffered. How much He cared. I can’t do anything but just sit there and weep, because my invisible army crushed Jesus, as surely as if I’d commanded them to myself. I hear His cries of pain, His anguish, His love.
I’m unworthy to be in the service of God when I’m commanding an enemy army. So I release them from service; I am no longer chained to my past. I am free, in every sense of the word. And that is more than I could ever have asked for.