I just finished watching Ragamuffin: The Rich Mullins Story. I think, as I look back on it, I was most impacted by the spiritual hardships he endured. And as usual, it got me thinking.
It seems to me that the most creative, amazing, Godly people I know of got that way due to horrible hardships and trouble. I can’t think of one person who really impacted the world for God who was perfect. And it seems to me that the more people suffer through, the more creativity they have at their disposal.
When you hear someone play the blues, it’s easy to tell if they’ve lived through real hardships. It comes through in their playing. There’s a grit there, a sorrow, a hardness that you just can’t fake. Some of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard were written by people who were teetering on the brink of destruction. Their passion and hearts were poured out, even as their lives came crashing down around them. Because their lives were crashing down around them.
I’d like to say I’ve been through hardships. I suppose, compared to a lot of people, I have. I’ve cheated death more than once, and somehow God saw fit to save me from my own stupidity, or whatever it was, and give me another day to live and serve.
I’d like to think I’m creative. And I suppose, in comparison to some people, I am.
Part of me wants to be more creative, to pour out my heart even more, to lay out my life and make something incredible with God’s mercy.
Another part of me knows that if I ever do that, it will probably bring me lower, into a deeper and darker place, than I would ever want to go. There’s danger there, deep down in the hidden dark cobweb-ridden corners of my soul. Everybody has those dark corners. I’ve been down there to visit them a few times. I have the scars to prove it. But having come out the other side a different man, I’m very hesitant to want to go back there voluntarily. It changes you, when you look death in the face and Jesus yanks you back by the scruff of your collar.
Being deeply creative requires a deep, introspective look inside those dark areas. And most of the time, I avoid that. I will spend hours pondering philosophical quandaries, but when I have to look at myself in the mirror, I see myself for what I am: an insecure, broken ragamuffin. I am a master at putting on a large show of being awesome… and I can do a lot of awesome things… but nobody knows me like I know myself.
I know I’m not worthy of God’s grace and mercy.
I’m not anybody special that God should use me for anything.
But He does anyway.
God uses me in spite of my shortcomings to do amazing things. Not because of me. Because of Him.
I don’t really want to suffer more to serve God. But the truth is, like Rich Mullins said, “If it cost Jesus His life, why do we expect it to cost us less than our lives?”