I’m coming up on my birthday this weekend. I’ll be 45. I know it’s just a number, but I know there’s things I have to work through.
I know I need to simplify my life… I’ve been writing for years on minimlism, but I need to put more of it into practice. I moved the G4 Mac to my coffee table today. I’m thinking I might still give the iMac to Andy… there’s not much it can do that my laptop can’t. And in the case that the laptop dies, I can just get another one. That’s just less stuff I have to work with. I could just use a decent monitor with my laptop (any laptop) instead.
Minimalism. What does it really mean? I slimmed down my phone, removed as much junk as I could. I’m scaling back my website so I don’t have to worry about constantly fixing it, or updating it from hackers. I just want stuff to work. I want to find the Rambler a better home(sort of, I still like it). I would like to take that money and put it into playing music and furthering my ministry. Lord knows, there’s plenty of music gear I could use. But even that: how much is enough?
And what is my ministry? What exactly is it that God wants me to do? Do I even know?? Should I consider myself qualified? No- I’m not qualified. But God will work through my weakness. I need to remember that. Even when I fail- sometimes daily- God wants me to seek him and believe in his salvation for me. If I don’t really believe in his work on the cross, can I really understand his love for me? Can I really know his heart, if I can’t accept his gift freely?
Freedom- freedom from things, freedom from fear, religion, from condemnation, and shame. Freedom from guilt- not guilt from my sin, but from feeling guilty for being who I am.
I think I really do have a worship pastor’s heart, but only God can make that happen in my life. And I haven’t been very faithful. Not in my heart, not in my actions, not in my mind. Not in my body. In fact, I’m a pretty horrible person by God’s standards, so it’s really hard for me to understand his love for me in spite of that.
I need to pray for God to show me his love for me the way he sees me, not the way I see myself.
I think I like journaling with mostly text. The Gopher server project is coming along nicely, and I expect to have it up and running shortly. I might need a better keyboard if I get back into writing, though. This one is better than nothing, but it kind of sucks.
Okay. Will post more soon.
(This post was composed in RedNotebook, and copy-and-pasted into WordPress.)