There are some days, as I sit in my gold-encrusted throne inside my lair on a remote volcanic island, that I wonder why I wanted to become a supervillain. I mean, World Domination is always nice, but really there’s more to living than being all-powerful and feared by nations.
At some point, I wanted to pass on my legacy as an evil genius. And since I hadn’t gotten my cloning vats functional yet, the next option was to have offspring of my own.
So- I became a supervillain dad. After eighteen years, I’ve just graduated my first Evil Minion, and am in the process of doing the same for the rest. What have I learned on the way? What’s the secret to being a dad with aspirations of taking over the world?
Minions Are Smart
If you’re an evil genius, your children more than likely will share some of your intelligence genes. Sometimes they will surprise you in how much they understand! They are like sponges, and they catch on very quickly, whether they let on or not. Instead of relegating them to sweeping the dungeon, you should make use of those virile brain cells, and have them help you work on those laser satellites.
Minions Are Persuasive
Just because I’ve replaced my heart with an atomic-powered synthetic one doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart. And when those minions start giving you the adorable “cute” face, it can be difficult to resist. Stay strong, but don’t be afraid to listen to them every now and then. Because they’re pretty smart (as I said previously) they not only can add valuable insight, but they also know how to press your buttons and get what they want. Just know that sometimes, it’s not all bad.
Minions Require Attention
You can’t just leave the minions shackled in the dungeon all day. They require interaction to fully develop their brains. Until I finish my information-injector helmet, you’ll have to manually give them information the old-fashioned way: reading to them. Reading is highly underrated, because the non-digital stuff can’t be tracked on the internet. Read to your offspring. They need it for development. Give them plenty of jobs to build their endurance, and teach them how to defend themselves, for when your final attack phase is implemented. They will be your closest allies.
Minions Are Cheaper Than Robots
Then again… you can turn robots off if you need to. This of kids as self-aware robots that you don’t get to turn off… or modify with spare parts. But they’re pretty easy to take care of after a few years.
Minions Are Awesome
I don’t know if I Could call myself a proper supervillain without minions. When I finally put myself into cold storage for a century, my minions will carry on my legacy of being awesome.
Life as a supervillain dad is pretty cool.