Category: Signs Of Life

General thoughts, mostly blog updates

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Strength To Continue On

So what happens when you just can’t go on? Do you keep pushing, and just hope you can pull through? Or do you take a step back, look at the situation, and figure out what the best course of action is?

Most of the time, we instinctively buckle down and keep pushing through the bad situation until it’s over… if it ever gets “over”. Sadly, we allow these things to affect the people we love. Sometimes we need to change things, not just for our sake.

I think the hardest part of getting through tough times is being able to distance yourself enough from the problem to come up with a real solution. Not just survival… but being able to objectively look at where you are, and what happened to get you there.

Sometimes you may feel like you can’t get above water long enough to even catch a breath of air, but it is essential for you to be able to look at things apart from your feelings. You can’t come up with solutions if your emotions are running all over the place. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m a pretty emotional person. But you can’t think through a problem using the same thought process that got you there in the first place.

At the end of the day, however, we’re not going to be able to keep everything together on our own. It’s so important to look for strength outside of yourself- and I’m not talking about another person.

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

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New Years Devolution

First off: Happy New Years. Glad we made it another year! In an effort to grow closer to my loyal, rabid fan base (all 3 of you) I’ll start off the New Year by giving you a glimpse into my little slice of life.

Over the winter break (my work shuts down from Christmas to after New Years) my family all had the flu. Which means, we pretty much sat around the house watching Christmas movies and playing games. The time was well spent really, and it also gave me time to rest and think. Contrary to popular belief, thinking is one of my favorite pastimes. We laughed a lot, took a lot of cold medicine, took about a thousand temperatures, shivered, sweated, and generally acted like we had the flu. It was glorious.

During this time, I had the chance to experience my family in their natural habitat. I got to see my kids playing with each other, helping each other, aggravating each other. More importantly, I got to interact with them in ways I don’t normally get to as a working dad. They got to be comfortable around me, and we got to have some great conversations.

I’m generally not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. But sometimes, I catch myself breaking resolutions without realizing I had made them in the first place. Have you ever done that? It’s kind of scary, and it says a lot about how our minds work.

For instance: Unbeknownst to me, my brain resolved to ride my bike to work as much as possible. You know how many times I’ve ridden this year? That’s right, none. Zilch. Why does this upset me? Does it make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Not really. But I still feel like a failure.

I also started journaling over the Christmas break. After more than a week, I realized I missed a day… and I immediately felt like a failure again. Did I resolve to write every day? No! But since I had been writing every day, my brain grabbed a hold of that and declared it was something I just had to do. And when I didn’t, I felt failure and disappointment.

Faithful readers, I want you to remember, your brain can and will throw you under the bus for the sake of ego. I fight tremendously with this, because I’m so awesome all the time anyway. (See? There it goes again… sigh)

Seriously, don’t get caught up with New Years resolutions. Instead, you should have a “Year’s End” party, and look back on all the things you actually accomplished that year. Quit trying to sell yourself short… and quit trying to be something you’re not. Celebrate the things you’ve done, not the things you haven’t. There’s nothing wrong with setting goals, but when you tie your self-worth up in something you will eventually fail at, it makes your whole life feel like a failure.

And your life isn’t a failure. If you agree, post up some comments on what you have accomplished last year.

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A Time For Rest, A Time To Work

So, I decided to go on a bike ride this morning. It was extremely foggy… nothing I haven’t dealt with before… but I’m also getting over a bad cold and I didn’t want to push myself. Still, this is significant, because I haven’t ridden my bike outside in about 2 months. I don’t know why. I guess there’s just so much going on with my personal life right now, I just haven’t had time. We’re in the process of trying to go gluten-free to diagnose digestive issues with our family. We’re struggling with schooling our kids from home. I’m fighting to get enough sleep to actually be useful when I’m home, when my job is constantly asking me to spend more time working.

All things considered, we’re doing pretty well despite these challenges. But cycling has just had to take a back burner until things get a little less crazy. I don’t like this, but it’s just the way it is.

I do want to get back to commuting by bike, even though the shortest route is out of commission for a year due to bridge construction. So right there, that’s an extra 3 miles a day… not the best way to encourage me to get back on the bike.

My bike is pretty much is serious need of maintenance. It needs a new drive train, and a new rear tire. Needs new cables, a good cleaning, could use some barrel adjusters on the brakes too. I need to eventually replace the steel FSA headset and stem on it, they add about a pound each. Really could use to re-wrap the handlebars, too.

I won’t even get into how much work I need to do with my music stuff, it’s just coming along slowly. I still need to finish my pedal board and get it working, but even that is just a want… not a need.

What do I need? I don’t know. I need rest. Felt good to get out on the bike this morning, though. Even with the fog, it was nice.

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“Joy To the World” Isn’t Just For Christmas

Sometimes, you just have to stop trying to be happy.

Where in life do we balance “being content” with “reaching for more”? Paul says in Phillipians 4:13 that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” He was referring to those who live in plenty, or live in poverty… this applies spiritually and physically. Sometimes we just need to be content with where we are, and understand that God will give us what we need, and get us through.

There are times, however, when being content with misery isn’t going to work. You can say all you want about being humble, but God doesn’t want us to be miserable, either. If there is more misery in your life than joy, there’s a good reason for it… just not the reason you’d expect. The church today (little “c”) has found success in promising people happiness and comfort. And yes, if happiness comes from physical comfort, then they’re very good at making church members “happy.”  But Jesus never promised fame, fortune, or worldly success. Or happiness.

So if that’s the case, where does our contentment, our peace, our joy come from? And what’s the difference anyway? Well, our joy comes from God… not doing things for God, not learning about God, not talking about God. Joy comes from God Himself.

There is no formula. There isn’t a “if X then Y” flowchart. The only way to have Joy is to be in the presence of God. And that looks different for everybody. You may feel closest to God when you pour through scripture. You might feel close to God when you’re singing praises, or helping the poor, or painting a picture. But, it comes with common sense, too. You can’t say “I feel closest to God when I’m downing a fifth of Vodka.” Sorry, but what you’re feeling isn’t God… that’s momentary happiness, maybe. Certainly not Joy, because the funny thing about Joy is that is doesn’t wear off easily. If we spend time with God steadily, it doesn’t wear off at all. And most importantly, Joy from God doesn’t leave you feeling drained, worn out, or hung over.

When you get to the point where you’re trying so hard to be close to God that you’re worn out, you can pretty much bet you’ve left God behind. He’s not in the maelstrom, he’s not in the typhoon, he’s not in the earthquake… God is that still, small voice, calling to you in your exhaustion and misery.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Matthew 11:28-30 – MSG

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I Drive, Therefore I Am

I hate driving. And I love driving.

Yes, I am a paradox. Almost everything I do is a paradox. But in particular, driving is the one that gets me.

I’ve been driving since I was fifteen (which was… let’s see…twenty-four years ago?) and I’ve always been enamored with cars, especially fast cars. Which of course means I like driving, and also racing. And driving fast. But here, out in the third-world country known as Louisiana, there are more idiots on the roads than anything else. It’s quite evident if you spend more than a day driving anywhere south of I-10 that people not only have no freaking clue what good driving is, they also don’t care.

Louisiana tops the nation as having the worst drivers of all fifty states. This comes as a surprise to nobody. I hate driving here, and what’s even worse, I hate riding my bike in traffic here. The roads are poorly maintained, horribly planned, and just plain dangerous. Add horrible drivers to that, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

I recently took a road trip to Houston, TX. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it was long. Why? Smooth, well-marked roads. Mostly courteous drivers. It was a pleasure to drive the Texas interstate system. Nobody was swerving while driving, nobody texting and drinking and driving and talking on the phone, and who knows what else. They were just, you know, driving. Imagine that. In a car, and just driving! Crazy, right?

So basically, I love driving, but I hate drivers.

I think I need to go ride my bike.

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FOMO Is Ruining My Life

2 Corinthians 10.

I have a problem… and chances are, you have the same problem, too.

I hate missing out. In modern culture, this tendency is called “FOMO,” or “Fear of Missing Out.”

And after I sit and think about it for a while, I realize just how pervasive and deep-rooted this is in my life. The more I look, the more I realize it’s driven almost every aspect of where I’ve been and where I’m going. Social Media has only made it worse.

And why shouldn’t we hate missing out? We should experience life to the fullest, right? We should reach for the stars, climb the highest heights, go big or go home! Right? Right??

But that’s not how it works. It’s taken me a long time, but I’m realizing that everything costs something. Every time I want to go run off and experience some cool new thing, there’s something else in my life that has to give. When I want to go catch a concert (because hey, I may never see it again!) there’s consequences. Someone else pays for my spontaneity. Continue reading “FOMO Is Ruining My Life”

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Scars Are Not A Sign of Weakness

I’ve noticed that in the last few years, I’ve accumulated a lot of scars. Everything from ant bites to major surgery seems to leave a scar on me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even care if I have scar spots all over my hands, arms, and legs… it’s pretty much unavoidable.

But why do we spend so much time trying to hide our scars? Are we trying not to be judged? Will people think I’m not as attractive if I have staple marks on my head, or discolored lumps on my thigh? What about wrinkles and age spots?

I hate to say it, but I’m not young anymore. Not physically, anyway. I’m pushing 40, which is a long way from 18. Further away from 18 than when I was born. When I look in the mirror, I’m presented with a mix-n-match splatter of skin tones, based upon how long ago the scar was formed. Some of them you almost can’t see. You wouldn’t know they were there if I didn’t show you, but each and every one has a memory tied to it. They remind me of times when I was more reckless… more spontaneous… and less inclined to care.

I have a lot of spiritual and mental scars, as well. They don’t show up often, as I’ve learned to hide them well. We all do. However, you can’t hide scars from everybody, and you can’t hide anything from God. If you’ve been hurt, He knows.

Some people will say “It’s God’s fault I have scars!”

Well, yes. It’s also a doctor’s fault I have an 18″ scar running down my left leg. If it weren’t for that scar, I would probably have never walked without crutches or a cane. It’s a scar I’m willing to deal with, because it’s a sign of healing. The damage underneath would have been much worse without the scar.

Some of my scars are from my own stupidity. Like the time I cut my fingertip with a razor knife. Or the other time I cut a different fingertip with a pair of scissors. Or the time I… well, you get the idea. Sometimes it’s just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have a lot of scars like that. Bug bites, scratches, cuts, you name it. After a while, I tend to forget they’re there. They blend into my self-image so that even I don’t see them. And I look good in the mirror.

But every now and then my scars will itch, and remind me of my past. I have one particular scar that is over two years old, and it’s still healing. Still discolored. Still itches and aches when the weather changes. It’s still ugly, but it’s in a spot where nobody can see it unless I show them. It is fading- slowly- but at this rate it will be decades before it turns the same color as my skin, and it will probably never smooth down to where it’s not noticeable.

I’m okay with scars now. It’s taken some time, but over the years, God has healed my wounds inside and out. Every time it happens, I think “Man, what an ugly scar!” but it’s proof that God is there, pulling me through, healing me. Now I tend to get scars from almost everything. And you know what? It doesn’t bother me.

I’m not done healing. It may take some time. In your life, it may take some time, too. You might have some pretty big wounds, but God can heal them all. They do leave scars, but underneath, there is real healing going on.

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Corporate Emo Poetry Monday- Labor Day Edition

Hurtling myself towards the goal
I determinedly grasp the pole
To vault skywards and reach the prize

I flex and bend to make amends
While people call themselves my friends
But the real me they don’t recognize

And while we pause to celebrate
I fight the urge to overrate
The disgusting faceless corporate giants

I stand with brothers arm in arm
Who fight  the corporate need to harm
The very ones who stand in defiance

Happy Labor Day!

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Two Years And Counting: Looking Back

I can’t believe it’s been two years. It seems like much longer, considering.

Two years since what?

Two years since I had my life turned upside down, through no fault of my own, and ended up laid out in a hospital room with my femur shattered in about 8 pieces, indebted to the hospital for $100,000.

It’s kind of a bittersweet remembrance. Of course, there are parts of it I wish I could forget, like the feeling of being slammed into a car’s windshield. I wish I could forget when they installed a traction pin through my knee with a cordless drill. I wish I could forget screaming at the top of my lungs when they moved me from table to table to table in order to get MRI scans. I wish I could remember everything that happened in the hospitals, the people who visited me, the things people told me about when I wasn’t strung out on painkillers.

But it’s not just about what I do and don’t remember. If life were just a series of random events, then all we’d have to do is wait for it to be over. Instead, I’ve chosen to look and actively see what God is trying to show me. Sometimes it’s obvious, and sometimes it’s not.

It’s not about what I do and don’t remember from the last two years that gets me. When I look back and try to remember the things I learned about myself, and about God, it reminds me that there is so much more to life than just waiting out your time.

I learned that God is extremely patient- to a point. Eventually He will get your attention.

I learned that no matter how strong you are, there are always situations that can and will break you.

No matter how broken you are, God still loves you, and He will bring you through it if you let Him.

It’s easier to hear God when you’re immobilized in a hospital bed with nowhere to go and nothing else to do but listen.

Sometimes listening to God is hard. Sometimes it’s painful, but necessary (like surgery). Sometimes it’s like a breath of fresh air. It always puts me at peace.

I learned that nothing in life is more important than spending time with God. Nothing. Without that, everything else kind of falls apart.

I learned that I could speak honestly with people, and more often, if I shared my hardships with them. People don’t want to listen to advice from someone who’s never been through hardship.

Hardships are well, hard. Sometimes unbearably hard. That’s okay, sometimes. You just have to lean on God.

There are many other things I learned while I healed, and I’m trying every day to remember them and live them out. Once your life has been turned around by God, you begin to understand how He works, and how He works through the rough times. He’s there.

Some days I wish I didn’t have a messed up leg. Every time it rains, my whole leg aches. It itches. It twinges and aches when I exercise, it hurts even more when I don’t. It’s a constant reminder of how I could have died… but didn’t. It reminds me that God is with me, every day, in every circumstance.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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State of the Blog Address

So, I haven’t written anything here lately. I haven’t written anything on my blog in a while, honestly. There is a part deep inside of me that feels badly about this, because as we all know, you can’t be a successful writer if you don’t write.

However, the sad truth is that I’m just too busy with working and being with family to really do much of anything lately. When I do have time, it’s usually working on something else, like music, or reading. This is infinitely better than writing, and I’ll tell you why.

Because without *doing* anything in our lives, we have nothing to write about! How could I come up with cool new ways to write about technology and music if I didn’t actually do them? How could I explain the process of being quiet and listening to God’s still, small voice if I haven’t done it? Where would I get the cool pictures of my latest creation if I don’t build anything? How could I relate parables of God’s grace revealed to me through my awesome children if I don’t spend time with them? I can’t. And neither can you.

So all that to say, I’m here, I’m having fun living life, and I’m getting a lot done. And when I have time to sit down and write about it again, you can bet I will.