How I Joined The Fraternity Of Excellence

Years ago, back in 2010, I wrote a brief article about how much I desperately wanted to live a life of significance, but couldn’t, because I didn’t know how.

I said things like this-

“I can see myself in the near future breaking out of the corporate mold that has held me in prison for so long. It has provided a living for my family, yes, but has stripped me of the ability to do anything but work 8 to 5.”
-Me, 2010

I realize now just how long I’ve been wanting to break free from that mold, and how long I’ve struggled with it. When I say “I’ve been in a rut for over ten years,” I’m not kidding. The proof is right here.

Looking back on this now, in January of 2021, I realize this was really the origin of the journey to where I am now. Even back then, I knew I had to do something. But I was unprepared, and uneducated on how to get where I wanted to go. And nobody was urging me onward to do it.

Right then, I decided I was going to do something about it. I started bike commuting to work, lost a bunch of weight, and was (physically, at least) making a lot of progress. I wrote about how I wanted to start working on blogging and writing professionally, and started taking steps towards that. I was logging over 100 miles a week on the bike, and was in the best shape of my life.

All good things, right? I was on the way to making it happen. I was moving forward. I was “crushing it.”

Then, in July of 2011, I was severely injured in a cycling accident. Everything in my life came to a screeching halt. I was bedridden for weeks, and on crutches for 3 months. The doctors said I might never walk without a limp. I was absolutely, utterly devastated.

Fast forward less than a year: I had gotten back on my bike, but nowhere near the level I was at before. I was, in my own words, “living in misery.” Why? After all I had done, been through, and overcome- why did I just give up? How can a man, driven as I was, fall into complete despair?

I firmly believe it was because of two things:
•  I had people telling me “You don’t have to be Superman. You can just work a regular job and that’s okay.” I was continually being told to ignore my passion to succeed.
•  Everything suddenly became much more difficult. My stamina was gone, my brain was in a fog, and my spiritual life was in a very dark place.

Over the next several months, the light gradually dimmed. I became more frustrated and complacent than active and driven. I felt cheated that I had to put out 25% more physical and mental energy to do the exact same things I could before. I was rapidly losing hope.

Fast forward almost 10 years.

It’s 2020. I’d just married off my oldest daughter. I was working a job I really liked, and was appreciated at. Things were still relatively slow, but I’d settled into being comfortable where I was. I’d managed to suppress the urge to constantly pursue success. “I’m not doing so bad,” I’d tell myself. “I’m pretty happy.”

Then Covid-19 hit, and the train started coming off the rails. My wife suddenly developed a (still undiagnosed) neurological sickness. Medical bills started piling up, arguing became more frequent, and I had to start taking care of things around the house that my wife just couldn’t physically do. Our children’s mental heath started to crack from the social isolation. They were making poor life choices. There were painful nights of tears, court dates, and more arguing. Tensions in the house were very high, and seemed to be spiraling out of control.

And then one day, I just snapped.

I could hear my wife asking me questions, but I just couldn’t answer her. Everything inside just felt dead and hollow. The walls were closing in on me, and I just wanted to run and hide.

“I just can’t do life right now,” I told her. “Please stop asking me questions. I can’t make any decisions right now. I just can’t.” With the most deadpan, emotionless face you could imagine, I just got up and left the room.

I had essentially failed as a husband and father when my family needed me most. The look of disappointment and fear on her face told me everything I needed to know. The non-driven, laissez-faire Jeff had been put to the test, and had been found severely lacking.

Nowhere to run, and nobody to turn to.

I realized, as my family crumbled around me, that I was trying to hold the weight of my world on my shoulders alone. There was nobody encouraging me, pulling me along, or lifting me up. My spiritual mentors were AWOL. My extended family was more a burden than any kind of help. All of my friends were barely holding their own lives together, and certainly couldn’t help me with mine.

Once I had recovered my senses, I knew that I had to do something before I fell into another hole- maybe a hole I couldn’t get out of.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

I don’t remember where the idea first came to me from, but at some point, I was made aware of the Fraternity of Excellence. Fraternities aren’t something I was new to- I’m a member of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, an excellent and outstanding Fraternity for Men of Music. But it is mostly geared towards the college crowd, and I really didn’t have the ability to connect with my elders there.

The Fraternity of Excellence, created by Zac Small and Craig James, is more than a fraternity in the modern, social sense. It is focused on hosting men who want to improve every aspect of their lives, by relying on support and guidance from other men like them. It’s not a group of friends with a common interest- it’s a group of driven men with a common goal.

What is the goal of FoE? “If there’s a part of your life you can improve, we will help each other improve it.”

It is results-driven. There are no quizzes, no plattitudes or excuses given. If you want to work to improve your life as a man, you’re in. If you don’t want to improve, or you don’t do the work- you’re out. That simple. Every man does the work, and everyone else on their team makes sure they’re doing it.

This is why I chose to join the FoE. I knew I wanted to change, but I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone. I needed to connect with men who would not only give me solid advice, but would also make sure I was following it. And one of the unexpected benefits is that I’ve been able to help lots of other men sort through their issues.

I’ve been able to make huge strides with my life in just 6 weeks or so. Is it magical? No. But just knowing what to, and having guys watching me, made all the difference. I’ve been able to connect with dozens of guys that are also working to advance in life- recovering from divorces, overcoming addictions, training through physical challenges, re-thinking how they earn a living. All of these men are in the same boat as I am, except instead of moaning about how hard it is, they’re helping each other make it happen.

Is it worth it?

I’m not going to lie, joining the FoE isn’t free. It’s not for everyone. But if you’re where I was- stuck in a rut, wanting to change, but not knowing how, feeling like prayers to God were just vaporizing into empty space- then you need to find some sort of group of people (ladies, this can apply to you as well!) that will come alongside you and walk you through it.

In my case, I chose the FoE based on the reputation of the men I knew were in it. These were not blowhard red-pillers who were just trying to make a buck. These were guys I respected and learned from, long before I knew what FoE was. Men whose hard work spoke for their passion and desire to help others. Men who weren’t afraid to speak the uncomfortable truth. Many of them followers of Christ, and who understood where I was coming from.

And I wanted to be one of those guys.

What will the future hold? I’m not sure, but I know for a fact, at the end of 2021, I will be lightyears ahead of where I am now. And the FoE will play a big part in that.  Over the next few months, I’ll be sharing specifics about the things I’m learning and practicing there.

Until then, keep moving forward.

If you want to see what the FoE is about, click here, and start making progress, not just plans.