Recently, I stumbled upon the YouTube channel of Jessica McCabe called “How to ADHD.” And like a true ADHD Brain, I binge watched for hours. And then had to go back and re-watch most of them, because I got distracted.
*sigh*
In one video in particular, Jessica addresses the stigma of having to take ADHD medications. It’s a very sensitive subject, and the object of much scrutiny. I’ll be honest- I’ve avoided being diagnosed with ADHD because of the cost, and the (assumed) danger of taking medications for it. The last thing I want is to make things worse. And hey, I’ve made it this far without help, right?
But not too long ago, I had a major meltdown. My meltdowns don’t look like a child’s- I’m not throwing fits or sobbing. When I am overwhelmed, it spirals into depression, self-criticism, anger, and shame. And then I just shut down. I quit thinking, I quit talking, I quit caring. I just turn everything off and exist until I can function again. Sometimes it takes days, or even weeks, for me to be able to perform executive functions again, like making important decisions.
This obviously isn’t a good thing. Especially since, when The Overwhelm happens, it’s usually because I am being forced to make an important decision.
The biggest question I have, now that I understand this about myself, is: “How does this affect my spiritual life?”
Hooo boy. How do you even answer a question like that? And regardless of your thoughts on ADHD or spirituality, it’s something that *I* have to be able to bring into agreement. And I’m not 100% sure of some of it.
Mental Health, Faith, and Demons
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. There are some Christians who believe everything bad- everything- is caused by an evil spirit. You will see them in prayer groups saying things like “We rebuke the spirit of headaches!” or “We bind your diabetes in Jesus’ name!”
Let me be clear here: I do believe evil spirits exist. I also believe they can cause severe mental problems, like depression, suicidal tendencies, violence, and so forth. They are extremely destructive. But in the Bible, we also see Jesus casting evil (a.k.a. “unclean”) spirits out of people to cure them of sicknesses. So on some level, we know that evil spirits can cause physical or mental illnesses (as the Bible clearly illustrates). But I don’t believe that they are responsible for all physical and mental illness. That would lead to a form of paranoia that I think is inappropriate for the Believer.
So the main question is: how do you tell the difference- especially if you suffer from a mental disorder?
Is It All In Your Head?
The second myth I want to dispel is that mental disorders don’t exist. They most certainly do. I hear people say things like “ADHD doesn’t exist!” and “Depression is just a phase!” But you wouldn’t say to someone holding a gun to their head “Suicidal thoughts don’t really mean anything!” They obviously do. People may react badly to them. Sometimes, a mental “disorder” like Asperger’s can be cripplingly debilitating. And the fact that you cannot just “snap out of it” is the reason it’s considered a disorder, not a passing emotion. Trust me: nobody wants to suffer from depression or anxiety. Or ADHD, for that matter.
That being said, I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I most definitely have adult ADHD. I am the poster child for it. I exhibit every symptom, for as far back as I can remember. I am so sure of it, I would stake my life on it. And I’ve never had the desire to seek a diagnosis… up until, maybe, now. Maybe.
Is ADHD A Spiritual Problem?
Now we’re getting to the real real question. (Sorry it’s taking so long!) Is my constant spiritual struggling a result of my ADHD, or a cause of it?
Whew. This is difficult. Probably the first time I’ve ever addressed this problem, in 25 years of being a Christian. I have always- always- struggled with being able to focus on Godly things, and God himself. My Godly wife is a bastion of resolve and willpower. She constantly humbles me with how amazing she is. And when I think of all the things she describes, and about her ability to focus on God, I feel ashamed. Humbled. Frustrated. I cannot “just focus” on anything from sheer willpower. Just. Can. Not. Focus.
One of the things I hear her tell me often is “I know you can focus on things if you really want to.” This is only partly true… because part of my ADHD is I don’t get to decide what my brain wants to focus on, or to get Dopamine from. The Motivation/Reward chain is broken, and doesn’t function like a normal person’s does. It’s as if my brain is constantly flipping between 30 channels… and someone else has the remote. I am not in control of it. If I could control it, I would!
No amount of “wanting to” will fix the dopamine receptors in my brain that compel me to seek stimulation in unhealthy ways. It’s not a matter of willpower. And for decades, I’ve beaten myself up over the mistaken idea that I just didn’t have enough willpower. This is probably the single most destructive thing about it: you start to think of yourself as less of a person because of it. It is emotionally crippling.
Disorder, or Victim?
Something I don’t want to do is come across as a victim. In no way am I seeking an easy treatment or solution. I’m not okay with people taking the easy/lazy way out of anything. But at this point, I realize I have been fighting and suffering with ADHD my entire life, and only just barely managing it. This is evident when I have something happen to me that forces me to shut down and cease functioning! I’ve gotten quite good at managing my ADHD, as long as things stay relatively steady and predictable. I’ve learned how to remember dates and lists. I’ve managed to find jobs that I’m good at and can succeed in. I made good enough grades in college to get by- just barely. I’ve developed my personal skills to be much better at communication.
But deep down, I know I still don’t really have my brain under control. I’ve always known it. It’s still obvious to me and my loved ones. And when I have meltdowns like I did 2 weeks ago, I begin to question whether or not I can ever be free from the constant cacophony of noise in my head. It never goes away. It makes everything difficult. The definition of a “disorder” is something that chronically, negatively, impacts your day-to-day ability to function. And I have to admit… that describes me. Maybe not every day. But very, very often.
Even just admitting this is difficult. It comes across as a sign of weakness. Saying “I can’t handle major life decisions right now” is a horrible blow to my ego and self-worth. But it happens more than I’d like to admit, especially since the 2020 Covid lockdown stupidity. I find it’s getting harder and harder to make decisions and function with all the “noise” around me, and inside me. The noise floor is rising, and overwhelming me more and more often.
No Solutions Yet, Only Questions
I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I have begged God to give me the ability to focus on His Word, and tune out things of the world. For years, I have been self-medicating with exercise, caffeine, speeding, porn, food, skydiving, or any other dopamine hit I could get. Thank God I didn’t go down the road of major substance abuse! (It’s extremely common for ADHD people to self-medicate and end up in substance addiction.)
I also thank God I don’t have as many major executive functional failures as I used to. Watching your wife crumble in tears because of your inability to “just listen” is gut-wrenching. Seeing yourself hurt the people you love… knowing you can’t focus on things of God, even if you try… losing job after job after job… failing classes you know you’re smart enough to pass… feeling the crushing weight of “wasted potential” that you just can’t quite tap into… being the smartest person in the room but without the ability to focus on anything productive… forgetting your kid’s birthday, but remembering a TV schedule from last year… every single one of these is a brick in the wall. A huge, 40-year-old wall that separates where I am from where I want to be. Every single brick has “You’re a failure!” written on it.
After a while, yeah. I understand how people could turn to substance abuse. It’s horrific.
Where Do I Go From Here?
I don’t know yet. For now, the first step is just understanding how my brain works. Learning (and putting names to) the things I struggle with daily. Applying what I can to prevent more meltdowns. Trying to not feel “broken.” Applying what I learn to my kids, who also have ADHD, and probably Asperger’s too. Trying to find a place in my spiritual walk where I don’t feel like a total degenerate failure. Coming to terms with the idea that maybe- just maybe- the pain and misery I’ve caused and gone through is not all my fault. Praying for solutions. Hoping that God will show me what to do.
I’ve known I struggled with ADHD for decades. But I thought it was something I just had to deal with, that it was just my burden to bear. Up until yesterday, I didn’t think there could be a solution. I had resolved myself to living with being miserable with myself, my unfilled potential, and my inability to handle important things. I was, as they say, “embracing the suck.” But Embracing The Suck only works when you know there’s an end in sight.
But now, just maybe… there’s hope for the future. Maybe there’s light at the end of the tunnel, where before, I didn’t even think there was an end to the tunnel.
I can’t describe how much hope this has given me. Welcome to the tribe, indeed.