I used to think that I just didn’t fit in anywhere.
But now I’m sure I don’t.
Have you ever thought “Why am I the only weird one here?” I know I have.
Sometimes we have to admit, we just don’t fit in. And there’s comfort in knowing that.
But why do we- why do I– get so bent out of shape about this? Why does it bother me that people think I’m weird?
Deep down, there’s an innate part of every one of us that wants to belong. We want to be included. We long for acceptance, and love, and everything that comes with that.
But why? What is it about us as human beings that hates being alone? Why are we terrified of being excluded? What drives us to seek connection at the expense of our own safety?
In Genesis 2, God creates Adam and puts him in the garden of Eden. God then says “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Remember, Adam is in the garden, walking with God every day. And he’s still alone. What was Adam missing that God Himself wasn’t providing?
It was the feeling of belonging with someone who’s like you. In Genesis 2, God then goes through the process of bringing all sorts of animals out of the ground in an effort to find Adam a suitable helpmate- but there wasn’t one. None of the animals (not even dogs) were “like” enough for Adam to consider them a suitable helpmate- someone that was equal to him.
So God puts Adam to sleep and creates a woman. It was a beautiful act of creation. In God’s special way, he created women specifically as a helpmate to a man. He tells them that though Adam was made from the dust of the earth, as a helper of the earth, Eve was made from man, to become a helper of her man. She is special, specific to him. Suitable for him in all the ways that any creature of another kind cannot be.
We have a deep-rooted need to be with someone like ourselves.
God knows this about us. And there’s more to it than just being of the same species. We want to be with someone that gets us. That understands us. That wants to be with us in return. We need this. God made us this way. It wasn’t an accident.
“But what if I’m weird?”
First off, join the club. Everybody is weird in one way or another. We like to pretend our “weirdness” is more special than someone else’s, but I assure you- everybody has things they don’t want other people to know about themselves. And to become intimate with someone, you have to be able to share those close, intimate, personal things with them. It’s risky. It’s scary. God knows that.
Second- do you think because you’re weird, that nobody else can ever understand you? Do you think that you’re destined to live alone forever because you can’t find a woman who’s into Pokemon as much as you are?
Let’s think about… your favorite band. Do you absolutely love every single song they wrote? If so, that’s kind of unusual. But they’re still you’re favorite band, even though you technically don’t like everything they’ve done. This is how it works with people too. Once the “falling in love” eyes fade (and they will), you find that the person you fell in love with isn’t perfect. But because you love them, especially the things that drew you to them, you’re still happy.
You don’t have to be perfect, normal, or even “okay” for someone to want to be with you. It’s a lie that you have to agree with or like everything another person (or group) does to belong.
I recently watched a video about people who don’t fit into the “modern church” model of Christian living. And you know what? Being messy is okay. Most churches don’t like it when people are messy. But when everyone is messy, what ends up happening is everyone hides parts of themselves to “fit in” to the group. And since you never let your guard down, you don’t have real connections with anyone there.
I wasn’t sure what to do about this for a long time. I mean, I have learned how to blend in to almost any social group, but that doesn’t mean I “fit” there. It brings up frustrations about everyone putting on the “church face.” And more than anything, I don’t want to pretend to be what I’m not.
Because of this, I finally realized I have been, deep down, very angry. And because I’m not angry at an actual person, I can’t just smack them or yell at them or whatever. I don’t really have a way to express it or direct it. (This is partly why I listen to angry music.) In fact, I was right to be angry… but I realized that my anger was misdirected. Let me explain.
Because I have such a hard time functioning in the world, and my stupid brain offends so many people, I basically was mad at God for me existing. I never feel like I can really do the right thing- and I hate that I feel that way about myself. But when I say I was mad- I mean, I was really, really mad. Like, “I’d be better off just pushing everything and everyone away and living on an island” mad.
And I thought, if God made me this way, he’s either got a really messed up sense of humor, or he enjoys watching me struggle. I thought that it would be cruel to give someone an ability and drive, but never have the opportunity to exercise them. If I feel like that’s what God created me for (and I believe he did, I can’t explain it any other way), then what happened? And I was so mad. But with no way to really be angry with God, because who am I to say he’s wrong- I just fell into a funk of just existing, and trying not to get my hopes up about anything. I quit trying to find ways to be happy.
I realize now that it was Satan that made me question God’s design for my life, and I believed the lie that my dysfunctional life was a cruel joke. And I should be very mad- extremely mad- but not at God. It’s Satan that I need to direct my anger at. One day while I was driving, I started just yelling at God how angry I was for being such a miserable failure, that I couldn’t do anything right- and then I realized it’s Satan’s fault that I can’t see what God wanted for me. It keeps me focused on what I’m doing wrong, not on what God is trying to show me and teach me. It always was Satan making me question God’s goodness and love for me. And I am EXTREMELY PISSED about it.
I’ve wasted so many years, and I’ll never get them back. But I’m mad enough that I want to fight. I know hating Satan isn’t the same as loving God- I still have to learn how to do that. But believing that God really does know what he wants me to do is encouraging. And the online community- you know why I love them so much? Because it’s a mission field, filled with people who are just like me. They’re societal misfits, broken, they like things that are geeky, and people in general just don’t get them. They’re people just like me. I’m drawn to them because they’re just like people with chronic illness- these people are the forgotten, ignored, the less fortunate.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know what walking out my faith looks like. But it isn’t going to look the same as most people. That’s partly why I’m drawn to online communities- it’s a mission field full of people like me. I feel their struggles, I understand their frustrations, and I know how they think and feel. And part of me wants to do online ministry because it’s exciting and I think about it all the time. Every time I hear a testimony about someone oddball who came to Christ and finally found acceptance and love- that moves me. And yeah, it’s nerdy and techy, but I love that stuff, it doesn’t scare me.