I have spent my entire life not fitting in. When you realize as a child that you’re not like everyone else, it changes the way you think. It leads you down very dark roads, constantly searching for something that will make you feel “normal,” and never finding it.
I’ve been fighting against ADHD my entire life. For decades I saw it as something I had to “work around” or “learn to live with.” I was also smarter than everyone else in my classes (that’s not a brag- I just was). All the school system was geared towards the average learning child, which means it wasn’t suited to me at all. I was constantly bored, ostracized, and miserable. The only time I was happy was in music class. For some reason, my brain absorbed music like a sponge, and I had no problem focusing on it. And then I grew up.
Working a 7-5 office job crunching numbers is a mental concentration camp to me. I react to it the same way a prisoner does- I just want out. It takes all my energy to do my job and not go insane. When I get home, I’m so starved for stimulation that I’ll do anything to break the monotony, to calm and soothe the noises in my head. ADHD is notorious for hijacking your ability to make good choices when it’s looking for stimulation.
As an adult, my brain’s drive for dopamine hasn’t stopped at all. I drive fast cars, I’ve done extreme sports, I love loud music, I play fast-paced video games- because it’s agonizingly painful to be bored. When ADHD people aren’t mentally stimulated, they actually go into a state of depression. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it’s pretty bad. And if you know anything about depression, you can’t just “snap out of it.” It has nothing to do with discipline or “just trying harder.”
Being a dopamine junkie has its downsides. Everyone around me feels like they’re not exciting enough, and take it personally. People try to keep up with my brain running 200MPH, and can’t, so they give up in frustration. Dopamine starvation also tends to lead you to very unhealthy obsessions, like pornography, dangerous activities, toxic relationships (because they’re exciting), and so on. If not kept in check, it’s easy to get wrecked by your own brain.
And therein lies the problem: as a Christian, I believe God made my brain this way on purpose. And I resent it, because for years I didn’t see it as a good thing. This made me resent God for making me who I am. It’s a miserable place to be.
God didn’t make my brain ADHD for amusement. He didn’t do it as a joke. He didn’t make a mistake. So what gives? What am I supposed to do with this?
I’ve had to admit there are things I’m not good at. Very important things. And even the things I am good at, doesn’t mean I can make myself do them if there’s baggage attached. If I see it adds unwanted stress, I unconsciously avoid it like the plague.
At the same time, I’m very good at other things. Stuff most people can’t do. I can hear things in music, recognize things in writing, see structure in art that most people aren’t even aware are there. I can then recreate these things with my own spin. This is a skill most people just don’t have.
But it comes with a hefty price. I can never be satisfied with a boring desk job. I will never enjoy trite, repetitive tasks. I am most happy when I can create things. This is how God made me.
You might think, like I once did, that God made you the way you are so that you can do things. But this isn’t the case at all.
God created me- and you- the way we are simply because he’s a creative God, and everybody’s different. My ADHD isn’t defined by how much I do, any more than I myself am defined by what I do. And God doesn’t love me because of what I can or can’t do, or have/haven’t done in the past.
God’s love transcends my ability to focus. He made me different so that I can glorify Him in a unique way, not so that I can achieve things nobody else can do.
I may never have an amazing prayer life in the way that most people think of it. Staying focused in prayer is very difficult for me. This has caused me much pain and self-loathing over the years. But I can worship God through prayer, set to music, for days. If that’s what I can do, then that’s what I’ll do. I will pray in song if I can’t any other way.
I’ve read the entire Bible in 90 days- twice- on a challenge. But normally, it’s extremely difficult for me to sit down and read without distractions. If I can’t read my Bible for hours, but I can sing hymns and Psalms full of the Word, then that’s what I’ll do. I will absorb the Word through song if that’s what works.
But God didn’t give me this mind to do. He gave me this mind to be. And just coming to Him as myself is all He asks of me. Seeking God in my own way is all I can do… that’s what He’s called me to do. God won’t ask me to be something I cannot be. As long as I come to Him with everything I am, and nothing I’m not, it’s enough.
If you’re struggling to find God through your depression, your ADHD, your Autism, or whatever you’re dealing with:
He’s there. He knows you. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. God says He will do the changing on the inside, through the Holy Spirit working in you. And whatever work the Spirit is doing in you, it’s always good.
Lord, help me to not be bitter for who you made me to be. Teach me to rest in your arms. Show me who you want me to be. Help me reject the lies that I have to earn your love, that I’m a failure because I can’t control my mind, that I’m a faithless coward because I can’t believe the way everyone else does.
Lord, I’m sorry. Show me your way. Break down the walls of resentment, and let me rest in you.
Amen.
I happened on this by accident. I’m glad to know a little bit more about you,son. I’m like you in thinking my self worth is tied up in what I do, but I’m coming to the stage of life where it’s getting harder to do. I’m getting old. I think about this every day lately. I just hope I live long enough to see the grandkids grown. Love you.