Some of you may be familiar with the fact that my wife and I homeschool our kids. As someone who was bored stiff in public school (and still struggles with “ADD” to this day) I was perfectly fine with our kids receiving individualized schooling and delight-directed learning. It seemed like such a natural idea to me, it made me wish I’d been able to do it when I was young. Alas, I managed to survive institutionalized learning, and in the process, I even learned a few things.
However, I’ve come to realize that most men aren’t like me, and don’t really understand the benefits of schooling their kids at home. Some of them are pretty hostile to the idea, in fact. At first, I was completely befuddled by this. I mean, why wouldn’t you?
But then I started seeing why, as I learned more about how other men saw things. I spent time reading story after story about men who didn’t have a clue about the basics of education, or why certain things work and others don’t. It’s not that they were stupid, they just assumed (incorrectly) a lot of things about how learning actually happens. When you throw that in with an over-inflated sense of discipline, you get a train wreck of confusion and misinformation.
So I’m writing this to help clear up some confusion, and possibly shed some light on the subject for those who either 1. don’t get it, or 2. are trying to get their spouses to get it.
Mistake #1: I’m trying to teach my child something, but my wife says that won’t work. I’m a failure! (or: She’s wrong!)
This is difficult for adult men to understand. We’re so very logical, we expect our little prodigious offspring to think like we do. But they’re not adults yet. Up to the age where the logic centers of the brain develop, the most important thing for them is to develop emotionally, not academically. Once the logic kicks in, then you can literally teach them anything. But it takes time, and it’s not the same for every kid.
If you watch adults, you see them learning all kinds of things. Adults can choose whatever method works best for them. Children can’t, they don’t understand how their own brains work yet. We, as parents, have to be able to see that, and work with our kids’ strengths and weaknesses. They don’t like to read? Find a video that covers the same material. They like to read, but aren’t interested in history? Find historically-based books for them to read. They can’t concentrate while other kids are reading out loud? Find them some headphones.
The key thing to remember about homeschooling is flexibility is the best part of it. If you go into it thinking it’s kids sitting at desks, doing tests and stuff, you’re missing the whole point. You have the ability to make school fun. And you’re not limited to what some stuffy curriculum writer says you have to do. You can make up your own lessons if you want.
Mistake #2: Kids in public school are supposed to read by first grade, and my kid isn’t reading in third grade, I’m a failure!!
Truth: Public schools “teach” kids to read by age 5 or something like that. But to do that, they are excluding millions of kids who just don’t learn that way that early. Forcing them to do so comes at a huge cost. The historical facts show that the vast majority of children learn to read when they’re ready to… and almost all of them by age 10.
“Oh my gosh!” You’re thinking. “Ten years old?? My children are stupid if they can’t read before then!”
Lies, lies, lies. Reading cognition age is not so much a factor of your child’s IQ as it is a factor of their learning styles and inclinations. There are very smart people who learned to read late in life. Some never learned to read at all. But by placing a standard on your child, you’re setting them up for failure when statistically speaking, they’re probably going to be just fine.
It’s not uncommon at all for a child to go from barely reading “Cat In The Hat” to reading full-blown young adult novels in a matter of six months. How do I know? Two of my children did it. They have the vocabulary, and they’re smart. It just took time for them to get the mechanical reading part down. And once they make that connection, they will jump straight into it, because as we all know, children are insatiably curious.
Mistake #3: If my children don’t graduate by fifteen and go to Yale, Harvard, or MIT, I’m a failure!
No no no! Haven’t you been reading? Children aren’t little machines; they require emotional development. If they’re smart, and they’re interested in going to MIT, and you’ve covered the basics beforehand, then they’ll amaze you with the ability to learn whatever it takes to achieve their goals. Not your goals, their goals. By the time they’re older teenagers, they will have a pretty good idea of where they’re going in life, and how to get there. But you, as a father, must be willing to understand that, and work with them. Demanding your children become something they’re miserable at is a sure-fire way to give them complexes and problems. Don’t set them up for failure!
You have to be willing to let them figure out what they’re doing, but that doesn’t mean let them do nothing! I’m not suggesting you let them become basketweavers, or get useless degrees in gender studies or whatever. But young people have a limitless amount of energy to learn something they’re interested in, and you have to be willing to capitalize on that. Sometimes that means teaching them a trade skill and letting them pursue their passions on the side. But even then, there are ways to direct them without frustrating yourself and them.
Mistake #4: Women are better suited to teaching. I’m a failure!
Truth: During a child’s younger years, there is no stronger force in their lives than their mothers. Up to the point where they become young adults, they are heavily dependent on that emotional support and stability. But once they hit puberty and start grasping with things in the adult world, fathers become an extremely important part of teaching. Men are biologically designed to think logically, analytically, and the like. This is when things like chemistry, algebra, mechanical things, etc. become possible to teach. The child’s brain switches into scientific mode, and they begin weaning themselves off of emotional nurturing. They begin looking for opportunities to test things, to experience cause and effect on a wider scale, and give their logical brains a workout.
So, if your kids are younger than about 12, and you’re not seeing them become top scholars and doing Calculus yet, don’t worry. When their brains are ready, they will soak it up and master it as fast as possible. And if they can’t master it when they’re teenagers, it’s possible they may never master Calculus (I sadly never could master it. I have more than enough brainpower for it, but for some reason, my brain just doesn’t grok Calc). It took me a few years to realize that I was never going to become a mechanical engineer because of it. But as most engineers will tell you, they don’t use calc on a regular basis (some never use it at all). Don’t freak out and lose the farm because your kid can’t master something. They are good at something else, and chances are they will be quite successful with that other skill.
There are so many examples of home schooling working. It takes a logical approach to understand that your methods, like your children, will change over time. Your expectations for what your child can do are nothing more than a list compiled by people who don’t know you, or your children.
You, as a father, know perfectly well what actual skills are needed to function in the workplace. You are most likely privy to people who have all kinds of credentials, but no actual people skills or work ethic. If you focus on people skills and work ethic, children will teach themselves the rest. They are a lot smarter than you give them credit for.
Most importantly, if there’s one thing I can say as the father of 4 homeschooled kids (one of which is about to graduate high school), it’s support your wife. She has the emotional capacity to nurture children through the formative years, and she will need your help and support. Once the kids hit puberty, you’ll have plenty enough to do, trust me. But don’t rush it. It’s a team effort, not something you want to do as the Lone Ranger.